chores
OK people, I need some advice. We were at one of my son's friend's houses the other day and I saw a list of chores she was responsible for posted on her door. They included: folding laundry, taking care of the dog, practicing piano...etc. etc. She is six, my oldest will be six in June.
I was shocked at all the things she was capable of because, from what I can tell with my boys, they can hardly grasp the concept of making up a bed. And to make the problem worse, I am a clean freak. I cannot stand a mess, it makes me very tense. And I cannot stand to nag, it also makes me tense. And so, I usually just do things myself. Sometimes it makes me feel resentful but sometimes I actually like it. And I recently read a book called Between Parent and Child that actually made me feel vindicated. Here is an excerpt from the chapter on responsibility:
"...In actuality, such chores, though important for home management, may have no positive effect on creating a sense of responsibility. On the contrary, in some homes, the daily tasks result in daily battles that bring anguish and anger to both children and parents. Forceful insistence on the performance of chores may result in obedience and in cleaner kitchens and yards, but may have an undesirable influence on the molding of character. The plain fact is that responsibility cannot be imposed. It can only grow from within, fed and directed by values absorbed at home and in the community."
This rings true to me because of the fact that my sister, brother and I were all forced to do chores, and yet once we grew up, I am the only one that still does them. I think it's just innate. You're born with a clean gene or you're not.
So should I insist on some help from my kids or should I do the work myself to preserve the peace? Do you think that doing chores as a child helped form your character? Do you require your kids do chores and if so, are you successful? Do you have any tips for success? I've tried sticker charts and that kind of thing but it usually only lasts a week or so before they lose interest...
Help!!!
I was shocked at all the things she was capable of because, from what I can tell with my boys, they can hardly grasp the concept of making up a bed. And to make the problem worse, I am a clean freak. I cannot stand a mess, it makes me very tense. And I cannot stand to nag, it also makes me tense. And so, I usually just do things myself. Sometimes it makes me feel resentful but sometimes I actually like it. And I recently read a book called Between Parent and Child that actually made me feel vindicated. Here is an excerpt from the chapter on responsibility:
"...In actuality, such chores, though important for home management, may have no positive effect on creating a sense of responsibility. On the contrary, in some homes, the daily tasks result in daily battles that bring anguish and anger to both children and parents. Forceful insistence on the performance of chores may result in obedience and in cleaner kitchens and yards, but may have an undesirable influence on the molding of character. The plain fact is that responsibility cannot be imposed. It can only grow from within, fed and directed by values absorbed at home and in the community."
This rings true to me because of the fact that my sister, brother and I were all forced to do chores, and yet once we grew up, I am the only one that still does them. I think it's just innate. You're born with a clean gene or you're not.
So should I insist on some help from my kids or should I do the work myself to preserve the peace? Do you think that doing chores as a child helped form your character? Do you require your kids do chores and if so, are you successful? Do you have any tips for success? I've tried sticker charts and that kind of thing but it usually only lasts a week or so before they lose interest...
Help!!!
posted by Nicole | 2:28 PM
9 Comments:
Honey-chil' get those babies to help you! Katelyn has helped me fold (easy) things for several years now and she's only eight! I am a control freak, but have learned to let go just a little for the sake of teaching responsibility and a itty bitty bit of help.
The sticker charts seem to fizzle for us too. As Dr. Phil would put it, I have not "found my son's currency" there yet.
My son will be 7 in August. He does do some things for me. Right now, he has a chore chart that he can earn stars for prizes/treats. But, he rarely does it.
Sadly, my main tactic is bribery--if you do this, you get 10 minutes on the Playstation. Very sad.
I like to give him the option of helping me out for a star or for something, rather than imposing chores at this point. Next year, I plan to tie an allowance to it somehow.
The one unnegotiable thing is when he is having a friend over his bed must be made (his way--not mine, but it is a start) and toys picked up before they can come over.
Start small...find something they enjoy doing, like emptying the tupperware out of the dishwasher or putting napkins out for dinner. Then, see where it takes you.
ugh, i don't know what to tell you, sistah. I indeed hate chores of any kind -- always have. it's not that I don't love a clean house, because I do. What I resist is the feeling of being forced to do something; the "shoulds" piss me off. I know, I have issues ;)
The thing about doing all those chores as a kid that I remember is not that I hated the act of dusting, it was the powerlessness of it. I hated being forced to do something on someone else's timeline.
So in that light, maybe some sort of reward system might be the way to go -- so you're not nagging, but they're inspired to help. You used to do the marbles in a jar thing, do you think that would work again?
I have sooo much experience with kids, you know. HA!
The best advise I have, after raising three children, is to do what makes sense for you. If it is too much hassle for you---give them jobs that aren't a hassle to monitor. There is great value in letting them know they are an intrigal part of a family--and that you value their contributions. One thing I errored in was needing to have things done my way--which was subconciously telling my children--their way was not good enough. So--whatever the chore--let it be done their way! By redo-ing we send an unwelcome and unintended message--you can't do it correctly.
I know that is a generalization of sorts...this isn't meant to be a research paper after all! But please hear me in the manner in which I mean: the chores list is important--but so is your sanity. Make it fun!
Diane
Thank you all for your insights and advice! I am at my wits end this week and it is much appreciated...
No clue here. But I am taking some serious notes from you guys.
my oldest just turned 12 and over night has become the typical sullen, secretive, moody adolescent boy. I mean 2 weeks ago he was still my baby, my best friend and I was his hero, now he sits aroundlokking angry, grunts when spoken to, and his favorite phrae is "you are soooo annoying!"
My advice, forget chores and sticker charts... Military school!
Okay here we go- I have 4 kids and have always made them clean and have NEVER paid them. We took the theory of we are a family we are a team. To be perfectly honest we can get the whole house clean in an hour flat. I was not as good at making my youngest do it and the other 3 were really resenting him. Now he does his share but all 4 do all! Laundry, sweeping, vacuuming, dusting, dishes, cooking. NO CHORE CHART- It's all about teaching them that if you see something out put it away. I feel like it helps when you view it as this is the child that God entrusted to me to guide and teach to be the best person they can be as an adult. So I know that when they leave to go to college they all have these skills. I did not want my boys to expect this stuff from their wives. My husband helps with everything and so do the kids. But seriously if they have a specific job on a chart-then that is all that they would do. If you pay them then they will not do other helpful things unless they get paid. Look at it through the BIG picture not the daily task. They also all 4 cook. My biggest advice would be make it fun- BLAST the music and clean and dance- but you also gotta be okay with a bed that is made by your child without "FIXING IT"
and this is my 2 cents for the day
Very wise words...thanks!
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