nature vs. nurture

As a parent I always worry about mistakes I make and how I might affect my children in a bad way. What if I damage them when I lose my temper and yell? Will I break their little spirits when I try to rein them in too much? What if I change the very essence of who they are? But then things happen that reassure me I couldn't change who they are even if I wanted to. They were born a certain way and that's just who they're going to be.

Like Cole, for instance. I've made jokes about him having OCD because he's a lot like me. He's very conscientious and particular. But the other day he really surprised me. Out of nowhere he actually said, "Sometimes my head feels funny if I leave something the wrong way and I have to go back and fix it."

"WHAAAA??" I asked, trying not to sound alarmed that my son has voices in his head telling him what to do.

"Well, if I don't clean up all the pencil shavings or if I drop a paper on the floor, my head feels funny and forces my body to go back and clean it up."

Whoa Nellie.

In some ways I guess I should feel happy that my son is a neat freak, but I really just feel freaked out. But I know I can't change him. He is who he is. He hasn't started compulsively washing his hands, counting his steps (yet), or talking about watching Judge Wapner, so I think he'll be okay.



And then there's Clayton. The middle child. Last weekend we had a couple of the boys' friends over and were waiting for the pizza to arrive. Clayton was angry with his Dad for some reason and said he hated him. My husband said, "It is unacceptable to talk to me that way so until you apologize like you mean it, you get no food."

Once the pizza was delivered and the boys were scrambling for their plates, Clayton looked a little concerned, but still resolved in his stance. He's not one to apologize. But after watching everyone else devour the hot, cheesy pizza he weakened and said, in a barely audible voice, "I'm sorry."

"What are you sorry for?" we prodded, trying to get him to admit his wrongdoing. The answer we were hoping for is, 'I'm sorry for saying I hate you, Dad.'

Instead, in true Clayton style, he said, "I'm sorry for hating you."

The boy can't tell a lie.

This is the same boy who, years ago, was having a battle over brushing his teeth. My husband said, "You are going to brush your teeth, and we can do this the easy way or the hard way, it's your choice."

Clayton looked him dead in the eye and said, "Okay, Dad. Let's do it the hard way," and leaned in to be put in a head-lock.

He'll be a Marine for sure.



So if nurturing is the strongest force in shaping a personality, it couldn't be possible for Clayton and Cooper to be related at all, much less be brothers. Cooper is the most easy-going, silly, loving, happy guy. He's in love with me and is not afraid to show it. He's the only one of the boys who loves traditional boy things: Cars, trains, and blocks. And being a monkey.




So I'll still try not to scar or hurt them in any way, but I feel relieved that I'm not solely responsible for how they turn out. Although they were conceived and born from my body, they were created by Someone much greater than I.