telephone tirade

I have a secret. A deep, dark secret that I've decided to reveal today. It may change things forever but here goes:


I hate talking on the phone.


This is something I've been ashamed of but after recently discovering that my sister has the same feelings, I've decided to come out and admit it to the world. I'm sure it has something to do with our common background. While growing up, if the phone rang at our house my parents would groan and reluctantly answer it, only to get sucked into a two hour conversation because they were too nice to cut people off.

But back then there were no caller ID or answering machines. We have things a lot better now. And because of all the new technology, including email, I find the telephone to be antiquated and frustrating. How often are two people available and in the mood to chit-chat at the very same time? Ever? That's why I love email. You can write a message when it's convenient, and the receiving party can reply when they feel like it. And since you're writing, you can take your time to think things out and edit it to prevent any misunderstandings. It's the perfect mode of communication.

On the rare occasion that I do want to talk on the phone, I like to give my full attention to the person I'm talking to. And since I have three small children who demand most of my time and attention, I have to plan time to visit on the phone or else I'll end up hiding in the pantry, gripping the phone while holding the door closed as the house burns down. If I ever spontaneously pick up the phone to visit with someone, it matters not that my kids were just playing happily, engrossed in a drawing or game. They see I'm distracted and immediately make the most of it. I find myself giving them ice cream, candy, matches...anything to keep them quiet. And then the fights break out and somebody gets hurt.

I also have other pet peeves about the phone. I think call waiting is just plain rude except in the case of an emergency. Otherwise it's as if the person is saying, "Can you wait? There's someone else I like better on the other line." I also hate it when I call someone in the middle of the afternoon and they answer the phone sounding like I just woke them up. I'll say, "I'm sorry, were you sleeping?" And they'll say, "Yeah, but I guess it's okay." I want to say, "Then why did you answer your phone?!" It is possible to turn the ringer off. Or even just ignore it. Don't be annoyed with me for not being psychic!

These days it seems like people are so unable to stand peace and quiet or their own thoughts that they have to be on the phone everywhere at all times. In cars, the grocery store, at school. It's like people are so socially retarded they can't talk to anyone new. They stay in their comfort zone of friends in their own little phone bubble as they blab away. They seem to think they are more loved or important if their phones are ringing constantly. What I see is pure insecurity and loneliness.

It feels good to get this all out so I'll keep going. In the past, I have unintentionally offended some people because I rarely answer the phone and I'm terrible about returning calls. Some people have thought I was mad at them or didn't like them because of it. For that I am sorry. I guess I'm just different. Don't take it personally. But if you do, email me to tell me about it. Thanks.