on the fence

When do you know you're done having babies? It seems most people I meet are very sure. They're like, "no way am I having another." They are sure. No doubts. Then there are those who have five and six kids. They seem confident in their decision to have a large family. People may not understand how they do it or why they want to do it, but it makes sense to them.

I am torn. My youngest will be two next month and usually by this time, I'm about to domino again. It's the first time I'll have a two year-old and be able to pick him up and carry him without the encumbrance of a huge belly or the added weight of a newborn attached to me. I'm sleeping though the night most nights. I can wear my skinny jeans.

I hear my friends with older children talk about the cost of braces and college looming in their near future and I think, wow, we already have three. A fourth would just add to all that. And then I hear people say things like, "You always have enough money to provide for the children you have," and I know from first hand experience that that is very true.

This week, I've been cleaning out my closets and getting organized. I ran out of plastic boxes to store winter clothes in and went to see what boxes I might empty and re-use. My eyes fell on the boxes at the bottom of the stack with the labels: newborn-12 months. And 12 months-18 months. I opened them up and started sorting them for donations or for giving to my neighbor with her new baby. I'm a practical person and was focused on the task, but before I knew it, tears sprang to my eyes and I couldn't stop sobbing. I held the tiny onesies in my hands and remembered putting them on my baby boys' little bodies. Their soft, newborn legs still curled in. Their no-scratch mitts they wore when their nails were too small to trim and they would wave their hands around, swiping their own cheeks by accident. The rattle socks they would wear and kick their little feet in. My favorite Old Navy onesie my sister gave my firstborn with colorful fish on the front named "Jack, Sue, Wes, Lou, Mel and Ang." I could recall the butterfly-in-the stomach feeling of unpacking the baby clothes and putting them in drawers again in preparations for a new baby. Wondering what they would look like, how they would act. What new little spirit would be gracing us with their presence. How they would fit into the family dynamic.

I kept my favorites and stuffed the rest in a giant plastic bag. I thought, if we do have another, we can always buy more clothes, right? But then again, it is nice to sleep again. And last week when my kids and husband were sick and I was up all night, it really wore me out. I'm not as young as I used to be. Could I go through another pregnancy with the dreaded morning sickness (happens to me every time), the exhaustion, the stretch marks? And still take care of the three I have now? Is it a good idea?

The competitive spirit in me says, "Yes! Do it! You can find the energy to get through it and you would never regret it!" And the practical side of me says, "You have three gorgeous, healthy boys. Don't be greedy." Just think, in the fall I'll have one in school all day, five days a week, and one in pre-school three afternoons a week. I can almost taste the freedom! I might be able to have quiet time when Cooper is napping. I might be able to start my own home-based business. The possibilities are endless...

So I sit here on the fence, but it's really irrelevant because there's another person who fits into this equation and he's not on the fence at all. But I can't bring myself to beg yet since I'm not completely sold on the idea myself. I hope I can find peace in whatever decision we ultimately make and have no regrets.