bittersweet

So there I sat on the table in the doctor's office last Friday morning. The nurse came in to check my blood-pressure and asked,

"So you're here for depression? Have you been talking to the doctor already?"

"No," I replied. "My husband has and he thought it might be a good idea for me to come in."

"Oh," she said. "You're lucky your husband is so understanding. Mine would have just said,'Get a grip!'"

Thanks, I thought. As if I'm not mortified enough to be here. Make me feel like I should just get a grip.

She handed me a questionnaire to fill out while I waited. I had to chuckle through my tears as I completed it. Did I feel constantly guilty? Disappointed in myself?
Hopeless? Check. Check. Check. It was as if they had been a fly on my wall. Watching me in my kitchen as I cried over nothing and everything. Seen me as I almost ran a red light last week from my current inability to concentrate. Watched me as I had to load the kids back in the car in the church parking lot and skip the service on Mother's Day because I could not stop sobbing after the traffic director shook his fist at me for failing to follow his directions. I just hadn't noticed him.

I got it together in time for the doctor to come in but lost it as soon as she asked how I was felt. The tears started flowing again and I could only blubber, "Embarrassed," to answer her question. She assured me it was nothing to be embarrassed about. It was good that I had come in.

The sympathy and perceived pity I was getting made me squirm. But I knew something was off. I was angry, sad. I had no reason to be, did I? I'm married to my dream husband, but he does travel a lot. I have three healthy, beautiful boys, but they are a challenge. I love my new home and state and feel like I'm assimilating nicely into it, but there is no family here.

She discussed my options. She offered medication but did not push it. She said counseling is a good idea and gave me references. She tested my thyroid and it was fine.

I went home with a prescription for Wellbutrin on the seat next to me but I passed the pharmacy. That night, I went running for the first time in years. It felt great. And I hate running. But it was like my mind and body were saying, "See, this is what you need. A little fresh air. Quiet time. Sweat to cleanse the impurities out." I recalled how the last time I had deliberately exercised was to get my labor going since I hadn't wanted to be induced. I thought, maybe I don't want my happiness to be induced, either. I know that medication can work wonders and has helped many people I know. I don't think it's a bad thing and I haven't ruled it out. I just don't want that to be my first reaction to this. I feel like there are reasons I became depressed and I need to sort them out and deal with them.

Just talking to my husband about it all has helped immensely. He could not be more concerned or willing to help. But it has been a bittersweet week for me. My baby turned two, my oldest graduated from kindergarten. Also, after today there will be no more question of if we will have another baby. My husband is getting "snipped" in four hours.

In my mind, I think it is the best thing for us. I can almost taste the freedom that will come in the fall when my oldest is in first-grade, my middle son is in pre-school and it will be just me and my youngest. I may be able to make it to the gym. I may be able to paint with no interruptions. I may get to go on a date with my husband. It's been over six months. That would only get worse if we had another.

In my heart, I am mourning the fact that there will never be another new baby in our house. And there for sure will never be a baby girl. I'll never get to buy those cute little smocked dresses I pass on my way to buy boy's camouflaged shorts and Spiderman tees. I'll never get to share advice on boys or make-up or teach her my cool dance moves from being on the high-school dance team. No shopping for prom dresses, wedding dresses. I'll be the "mother-in-law" that is typically loathed. My husband will never experience having a "daddy's little girl" to adore him. And my boys will be in for a big shock when they get married some day, having never shared a home with a sister.

But also, there will be no more labor pains, no sore breasts from nursing. No more sleepless nights (can I hear a Halleluia!). We have the perfect amount of bedrooms for our current clan and our vehicles can just barely fit us all now. As my husband says, we have to draw the line somewhere.

I will be going to a counselor very soon to work out all my feelings about my life and family. I should have done it years ago but it's hard to find the time when you have babies at home. I am exhausted from the last few weeks and will be spending the weekend bringing my husband ice packs and ibuprofen. Wish me luck.