here comes that old familiar fizzle again

We've tried them all: Episcopal, non-denominational, Baptist, Lutheran, Presbyterian. I guess we still have yet to try Buddhist, Hindu, Muslim and Jewish temples, but as for Christian churches, we've got that covered. And the same thing happened every time. We'd visit a couple times and try to feel good about it. "The people were nice" or "They had a great Sunday school program" we'd nod to each other on the way home. Coming from a non-denominational background, I'm open to loud music and fire and brimstone sermons. But my husband's Catholic/Episcopal background caused him to lean in the opposite direction, preferring ceremony and low-key presentation. At least we both agreed we'd like to be part of a smaller church where it felt more close-knit.

So after church-hopping for a couple years, we decided it was time to make a commitment. Especially when one Sunday morning, during the mad dash to get the boys and ourselves dressed and out the door one, of them asked, "Which church is it we're going to today?" We exchanged a look and decided that was it. We would return to the Episcopal church we'd visited a few months back. And stay there.

So we did, and the review was the same: nice people, good sermons, could use some more young people and options for the kids, but it was the right size. It would do. And maybe we could help create more things for kids that would draw in young families. We were stoked. We officially became members, signed up to teach Sunday school, host the coffee hour a couple times and even help out with the newcomer ministry team. We were on fi-yah.

But then it happened in record time. The uneasy feeling. The dread of Sunday morning. The same old discussion: Why are we doing this again? Oh yeah, for the boys. So if this feels so irrelevant to us, why is it relevant to them? And why does it feel so irrelevant to us? Are we just evil people?

We were also disheartened by the distinct impression we got from the long-time members serving as newcomer ministers that they liked things just the way they were. Why did they need to do it any other way? Never mind that the Episcopal church was losing members left and right. And the fact that several in our area had already shut their doors in the past year raised no red flags for them. We wondered, why try to fight for change when we just didn't care?

Then, I was at the library and found a book I'd been wanting to read for a long time. It's called Why Men Hate Going to Church by David Murrow. Reading the first few pages was like reading what my husband has been trying to put into words for years. My husband strives to be the best man, husband and father he can be. He would do anything and everything he thought necessary to do what's best for us. He tried to do the church thing because he thought it was important. But it'd always been the same. He felt like running as soon as we walked in the door. And it's not that he's not a spiritual person. You should see him when we're hiking in the mountains. He practically glows from the joy he finds there. Feeling closer to God by being in nature, something a lot of men can relate to.

The book made the case that most men can't stand church because for many, many years it has been designed for women. It feels safe and secure. There is soft music, flowers and lots and lots of talking. Younger men with normal testosterone levels feel totally out of place there because it's not geared toward them and how their minds work. There's even a "Jesus is my boyfriend" mentality in some places. And guess what? Men don't want to fall in love with a soft, sweet Jesus. They want adventure. They want action. When the disciples decided to follow Him, it was dangerous. Jesus is not the sissy that the modern church has turned Him into.

Some people argue that mostly men lead the church so this can't be true. But according to the book and to what I've also observed, if you really look at the lay leadership and volunteers that run the place, it's mostly women. If you're a man, you can be the pastor or an usher. There's not much in between. Not anything that appeals to most men, anyway.

Reading this book has really opened my eyes to why so many men aren't showing up in church. I'm just getting to the part that offers some ideas on how to remedy the situation but I get the feeling it's not anything that's going to happen at our church. So we will bow out gracefully after fulfilling our obligations. I don't know what we'll tell the boys but I do know I don't want to endorse something I don't even believe in right now. If Jesus had actually stayed in the grave I think He would be rolling in it right now.