breaking up is hard to do

My life changed forever this week. I will never be the same. It was something I had to do, something I had been planning on for a long time but just was waiting for the right time to make my move. It's embarrassing to admit the standard I was putting up with but here goes: I upgraded from dial-up to high-speed internet. Go ahead and laugh. I know I was the last person in the world to do it but I had my reasons. Notifying everyone from my friends and family to my library and the boys' school of my new email address seemed like too much trouble. But I finally did it and I will never look back.

When I changed my ISP I went ahead and switched my phone and cable to get a really great "bundle" deal. That meant that I had to call and cancel our other services. And I have to ask, since when do people get stalked for changing services? First, I called Earthlink. "How are you doing," the friendly rep asked. "Fine, and you?" I replied. "Well, not too good since I hear you're thinking about leaving the Earthlink family." She said it with genuine disappointment in her voice. Like she was thinking about crying. I actually felt guilty for a moment about leaving my "family" but then immediately switched to defensive mode, feeling that the rest of the call was not going to be any easier. I was right. She did everything but offer sexual favors (I'm sure she does that for the guys) if only I would stay. I finally extricated myself from her web of emotional manipulation and hung up. I then asked my husband if he would please call to cancel with Dish Network because I was emotionally drained from Earthlink. He did and called me back to report that they had done everything short of calling him a dumbass for switching to cable. They warned him: 'You can never come back to us if you leave. And if you dare have the audacity to try you'll have to pay deposits and the first and last month's bills up front.' They said that cable sucked and we would be disappointed. They were just plain rude. But he held strong and did not give in.

So then the phone calls started. All week there has been a "tollfree" number showing up on my caller ID that I figured was a telemarketer. I finally answered out of curiosity and turns out, it's the Dish Network. Calling to find out ever so sweetly why we left them and what they could do to make it up to us? She promised a golden deal with no activation fee and all the movie channels for free if we would come back. What happened to never being able to go back? I wondered. I thanked her for her pathetic offer and hung up. Then I went to get the mail and guess what. There's a letter there from Dish that actually said in big red letters: "LET'S TRY AGAIN! We want to help you! It's never too late!" And goes on to outline the plan by which we can get out of our new deal and return to them.

Now I've gone through a few breakups in high school and college and I can tell you, they are going about it all wrong. If you get dumped, the last thing you do is let on that you want the person back. That is the biggest turn off in the world. If they would answer breezily, "You want to cancel? Okay, see you later." Then people would think, "Oh crap, that was too easy. They must not need me. Maybe I'm not good enough for them? Do they have someone else??" And they'd call back immediately to get reinstated. But I think I'll keep that info to myself and enjoy their groveling for a while longer. But if my house gets papered or my tires get slashed, I have to draw the line there. It's hard to be in the middle of a love triangle but I'm doing my best.